Common sense parenting - free of charge!

So now that I've set up why I feel I'm entitled to give out a little parenting advice:

Moms and Dads, I give you the solution.

1. If you don't want to put in the hard work, I'd recommend birth control. Really. You have no business having kids if you only want to be a part-time parent. I know, it's the hardest job out there, and you need a break. That's my point. It's hard. Really hard. In that fine little gem of a movie, Waitress, there's a great little blink-and-you'll-miss-it line that a random extra says to Keri Russell's character:

"No one tells you how hard it's going to be."

We need to stop glamorizing it like it's all sugar-frosted-wonderfulness. It's hard work, and a thankless job. And yes, it's physically possible to ensure a child reaches the age of 18 without getting killed or significantly harmed with very little effort. But that's not raising a child. You, and you alone, pick up an obligation to make sure your offspring are functioning and contributing members of society. It's a 24-hour-a-day job, and if you don't want it, seventy-five cents worth of latex can prevent it.

2. Stop teaching your kid that his shit doesn't stink.
If Junior thinks he's perfect, he'll do whatever the hell he wants. When he does something bad or annoying, point it out. He can't fix anything he doesn't know is broken.

3. Teach your child that they do not have the right to treat others as if they are below them.
I can not begin to describe how irate I get when I see a parent treating a waitress or barista like they are the scum of the earth. You have no idea how hard they work, and many of them are single parents who are actually doing a better job than you. If you are financially well off, do yourself a favor - don't let your kid know. Do they want name-brand clothes? Make them work for them. Teach your child to say "please" and "thank you". To EVERYONE. I'm talking toll-booth attendants, policemen, waitresses, everyone. No please or thank you? Sorry, no treat.

4. Model the behavior you want to see.
When you get done being a brat with the barista, what do you think you just taught your kid? When you threw a fit over the done-ness of a steak, you have modeled BAD MANNERS to your child. If you want your child to pick up his room, show him that you're picking up the mess you made in the kitchen when you made yourself a sandwich. But hey, if you want your kid to be a little shit, then by all means, be a big shit. The first way kids learn is through mimicry, and they get all the material they need from you.

5. Do not stoop down to their level.
I see this every goddamn day. Kid wants candy. Mom says no. Kid screams. Mom screams back. Kid throws punches. Mom spanks kid. Congratulations, lady. You've just taught the kid how to control the situation and get Mom cranky in a heartbeat. Oh, and by the way, he just took the candy and sat down and ate it while you're paying for your Valium refill. You taught him to steal as well. Your child's emotional growth is now stunted at two. Better call Juvie and reserve him a spot.

6. Give your child limits and use the word NO as often as necessary.
One of the greatest lessons my mom ever taught me when baby-sitting is a simple twist of what I was saying. When you say "You better get over here, I am COUNTING"...do not say "One...Two...Three..." Instead, say it like this: "Five..four...three..." Yep, go backwards. Kid KNOWS that One is the end. Going up gives him unlimited time to go on continuing whatever he's doing. And as for NO...since when did it become a DFACS case to say "NO" to your kid? I don't care if you have the money for the candy. Kid doesn't need it. Same thing for every toy known to man. Your child will not hate you in ten years because you didn't give him his very own plasma television or a snickers bar. If he does, well, you've got problems in other departments.

7. Teach your child that not everyone thinks they're as cute as you do - and not everyone wants them around.
If you MUST bring your child into a place where there's nothing to do for a child his or her age, (like I don't know...a coffee house), make sure they know - beforehand - that not everyone wants to play Disney on every computer with them. It will translate into later in life, when they realize that not everyone wants a flock of teenagers hanging out in their parking lot. I used to call in sick on that horrible "take your brat to work" day...because every parent had their kid in our office. It was boring enough for me - I can't imagine what it would be like for a kid. So what did the kids do when the copier wasn't fun anymore? They went off to find who might be fun. They thought it would be me. These kids just came to my workspace to hang out. Go through my drawers. Eat my snacks. Sniff my whiteout. Whatever. Might have been okay, but I had work to do. I detested this day because the parents who brought kids in inevitably said "what? they're just kids!" to anyone who remotely complained. If I had to do it one more year, I was going to go sit in whatever kid's 5th grade class for the day, I'd get way more work done that way.

8. Teach them the lessons in little situations and you'll be able to relate the lesson in a bigger situation. Every day at the park, I see kids get in fights with each other and with their parents. Most of the time, I see these moms (usually pushing $900 strollers while on cell phones) just pull the kids off each other (or themselves) and say "stop it." Great, jerk. You're just going from the fire to the fryer. My friend Meghan recently said that her 2 1/2 year-old had hit her, so she sat down and calmly told her the real reason why it hurts to hit someone, because it hurts on the inside too. 2-year-olds want to smack people sometimes. It happens. But by taking the time to sit down and explain in that little situation "why we don't hit people," Meghan effectively warded off her daughter ending up on some girlfight YouTube video down the road and having to teach her daughter how to beg leniency from a judge. Seriously Meghan, good work.

9. Give back. Make your kid do the same.
I'm conservative in thought, but one of the best books I've read in a long time was Bill Clinton's surprisingly politics-free Giving. There are a lot of people and organizations out there who would greatly benefit from your time, money and effort. When children learn how good it feels to help someone, it improves their character. It teaches them to value what they have, and it teaches them to be better toward their fellow citizens. Make your kids give a portion of their allowance to the charity of their choice - give them a HUGE finance lesson by going on any one of the microfinance sites and show them how just lending their money to someone can help them ten-fold. Take a day to volunteer with your child, or take a walk with a trash bag to pick up litter. I assure you, you will never forget the experience, and more importantly, your child will not either. He or she that they DO have an impact - what kind of impact they have is up to them.

10. Emphasize that words hurt just as bad as sticks and stones.
Ever see Mean Girls? It's real. And it's learned. Hear of that kid who killed herself because of taunting by a group of kids over myspace? What broke my heart so much about that story is that the whole damn thing was started by one of the mean girl's MOTHER. Somebody hold that stupid witch down and tie her tubes, now. People like her need to get OUT of the gene pool.

11. Don't let them be mean to each other.
I was never more proud of my younger brother than when I heard that he stood up to the kids on his soccer team when they picked on a player who was an easy target. Even the kid who was picked on said "it's okay" and brushed their bullying off, but my brother stood up because it was NOT okay - those kids tipped the poor kid over in a portable toilet. He could have died - if not from the impact, certainly from any number of bacterial infections. Not only that, the company that owned the toilet is in an honest, albeit gross, business. The owner of that company suffered. Some of those kids didn't know better, but I hope they learned. Edmund Burke once said "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." If you are allowing your kid to do something that hurts someone - be it physically, emotionally or financially - you are a jerk. Your kids look to you to tell them what is right or wrong. It is your duty to instruct them. I love the idea that we can hold parents personally and financially liable for the actions of their children for this very reason.

12. Punishment WORKS.
I'll tell you what - I got spanked, and I will not hesitate to spank mine when it will be effective. I don't remember one ounce of physical pain, but man - I remember the fact that I was punished and that my mom was coming after me. If it's "time out" that you use, use it and make it work. I've even overheard parents saying that they don't want to ground their kids because they "wanted their kids to enjoy childhood." No shit, they'll enjoy childhood if they're allowed to do everything short of murder without fear of retribution. Congratulations, asshole. You've effectively proved that an asshole can raise a kid to be an asshole.

13. Only threaten what you're willing to follow through on - and stick to it.
I was in the Emergency Room last year waiting for a bajillion hours and was stuck next to a woman with her four-year-old BRAT. He continuously threw his stupid little football at everyone - sick people, people with broken bones, and people who had no desire to be in his warpath - and his mom kept saying "give me that ball, it's going in the trash if you do that one more time." Kid kept doing it. Why? Because Mom never threw it in the trash. My mother would have trashed it and forgotten it. You had the chance, and you blew it, you little snot. When the kid gave up on the ball and did something else, the mom kept saying "you better sit down, or I'm gonna get that policeman to take you away. He's mean." That's another story - NEVER EVER teach your child that the policeman is anything but your friend and someone who will help them. But the monster knew his mom wasn't going to follow through on punishment - so he looked right at her and told her to shut up. Smart kid, dumb mom.

14. Don't set them up to fail.
What in the WORLD are people thinking when they bring their kids to a place that they know these kids have zero chance of behaving? You know exactly how long your kids can behave. Good parents will take a risk with good planning - yes, with bribes - "if you are good, we will go for ice cream." Bad parents? They bring their kids to nice restaurants where the food takes forever. Then they're shocked and just ignore it when their kid acts up. When I worked coat check for extra money in graduate school, I seriously had more than one customer ask if they could check their kid. No, really. When I said no, they usually asked the valet. Don't ask your kids to behave in a place where you know it's almost physically impossible for them to do so. Hell, I'm 28 and I can't sit still that long sometimes. Anticipate their attention span and plan around it.

15. Do not expect any special privileges because you are a parent.
So you've kept a kid alive longer than I can keep a plant alive - what, you want a damn gold star or something? Congratu-fucking-lations. While I know its hard, the "I'm a single mom" excuse or "I have a kid in tow" excuse only goes so far with me when what we're talking about has nothing to do with children. I'm not kidding, I was sitting outside yesterday and saw a mom talking to the metermaid about how she was a single mom and therefore shouldn't get a parking ticket. If you're too cheap to put a quarter in the meter, don't drive the brood into the city, lady. The fact that you have two kids and zero husband has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you were too stupid to know when your meter had run out.

16. Teach them to do the right and honorable thing - even when they're the only one who knows.
One of the reasons I respect the military so much is that they consider integrity to be the most essential character trait they possess. If you are ever in Washington, DC, take your kids to the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. While the Tomb represents the fact that we honor the soldiers who paid the ultimate sacrifice for us - while asking no recognition - one of the most moving parts is the process of the "walking the line" that the guards do - a particular repetition that is done over and over, 24 hours a day, in all weather, 365 days a year, even on Christmas. While one guard walks the line (in a long, multi-hour repetitive shift), another will occasionally talk with the visitors. Of course, when I went (I was about 12), I HAD to ask "well, what happens if no one's here? I mean if it's 3:00 in the morning, no one's gonna know if he just sits down, right?" The guard who was answering looked straight at me and said "well, he'd know." Keep in mind - this is literally one of the most prestigious assignments a soldier can have - to do what is expected when no one will ever know if you actually just wimped out. Instill this in your kids. Just because you don't get caught or noticed doesn't mean that you shouldn't do the right thing. Kids need to do the right thing without the expectation of a reward - but rather because they would want someone to do it for them. Call it Karma, call it the Golden Rule, call it Sweet Lord Baby Jesus teaching. Just teach them to do the RIGHT thing, even when no one's looking.


That's all I got for now. Any others, I'd love to hear them. And I have to say - NONE of my friends are these bad parents that I've described. Not a one. They were raised right. And they know better.

And yes, I know that now that I've preached to you, I'm going to end up with the worst-behaved children in history.