Truth is SO Much Stranger than Fiction...in the ER.

My roommate got home on Thursday and told me what is quite possibly...

THE CRAZIEST STORY EVER. It supercedes the troll story, for anyone who knows that. I won't even type the troll story, for the record, because it seriously might bring cops around. But anyway.

My roommate works at a local hospital in the Trauma/Emergency Department. She's always good for a story - with an 80-bed emergency room directly off a hugely busy interstate serving three states, there's always crazy stuff going on. On Thursday, she got a doozie.

A patient is taken in with bruises and typical bar-fight type injuries and unconscious due to drugs and alcohol. Melissa did the normal stuff when they get a roughed-up junkie - fix 'em up and let them sleep it off - just get them stabilized so they're not...like, dying or something. She notices that he's handcuffed to the bed and asks the police officers - who escorted Mr. Black&Blue to the hospital - what happened.

And here's where it gets weird.

"Dexter" (the patient) invites homeboy over to his house, where they partake in drinking many beers and a little too much of the brown acid. Dexter has had a history of mental problems.

Sidebar 1:
If you decide that hallucinogenic drugs are a pastime you'd like to indulge, pick your dance partners carefully, if you know what I mean. It's generally not a good idea to pick someone who, oh, I don't know, might or might not have spent some time in a straitjacket.
(end sidebar)

When homeboy and Dexter are extremely drunk/seeing fractal patterns, Dexter either hits the world's worst LSD trip or his psychotic tendencies really come out. Dexter HOGTIES homeboy up, chains him to the couch, gags him, and goes downstairs.

Of course homeboy wakes up and freaks out. Keeps trying to get out. Dexter comes back and says to him that he "just needs to die". Enter larger freakout from hog-tied homeboy. Dexter goes back downstairs, and homeboy keeps hearing clanging, hammering, etc. Finally, Dexter's sister comes home and finds homeboy tied up on the couch.

Sidebar 2:
dilemma:
Sister sees a man tied up on the couch in her brother's house. Knowing that her brother has mental problems, should she untie homeboy? Or does she consider that he might, for example, have been an intruder, tied up for self-defense reasons? Or does she skip the whole thing and call the police, perhaps giving people time to carry out whatever they might be planning? Hmmm.
(end sidebar)

Sister decides to call out her brother's name, and can't find him anywhere. When she goes downstairs to the basement, she finds THE MOST DISGUSTING, HORRIBLEST, CREEPIEST SCENE THAT HAS EVER EXISTED.

Dexter has cut open and laid trash bags all over the floor, walls and ceiling, and in the middle of the room, has laid out knives, bolt-cutters, a hacksaw, plastic ties, rubber gloves, battery acid, a hatchet, wires...the list goes on. Dexter is clearly out of it and asks his sister very calmly if she knows where any duct tape is, because he needs to go kill his friend.

Sister turns around, goes upstairs, calmly unties Dexter's friend, and says in a quiet, emphatic voice "Get out of here NOW. My brother is trying to kill you."

Don't have to tell homeboy twice. He's out like jean shorts.

Sister then goes and gets her other brother, NotDexter and tells him what she found. NotDexter and Sister go back to the house to attempt to restrain Dexter and have him committed. Dexter then attacks the sister, at which point the police were called. After a significant tussle (hence Dexter's injuries), he is arrested and taken to the hospital.

So my roommate goes "okay, so I'm going to call Psych and get him in up there?" when she hears the story from the police.

"No, do not call them. He's not going to a psychiatric ward. He is going to JAIL for a VERY LONG time."

Shortly thereafter, Dexter wakes up. Looks confused.

Nurses: "do you know who you are?"

Dexter: "yes"

N: "do you know where you are?"

D: "I'm guessing it's a hospital?"


N: "yes, do you know why you're here?"

D: "no, I don't...was I in a fight?"

N: "sort of"

Dexter goes to lift his hand and notices it is handcuffed to the bed.

D: "oh god did I get arrested?"

N: "yes you did"

D: "is it bad?"

Nurse doesn't have to say anything.

Dexter: "uh-oh."

Uh-oh indeed. Uh-oh Spaghetti-O's.

Turns out that Dexter has been studying serial killers and methods for some time and had all these fantasies about killing people and how to get away with it - things like trashbags covering the walls to prevent blood spatter. Apparently he had watched a few Law & Order/CSI/Dexter episodes, but had neglected to do one thing.

Make sure he wasn't expecting a visit from the fam.

No matter how crazy my work can ever get, it will simply never measure up to tales from the Emergency Room.