Don't you know that I'm toxic?

I apologize for paraphrasing a Britney-at-the-beginning-of-her-insanity song, but I was trying to think of a clever title for the fact that I'm now convinced that I'm carrying around toxic stuff. Maybe it's my gullibility, maybe it's the fact that I fell asleep during the Kinoki Foot Pads commercial, or maybe it's the fact that for the past month, vegetables have been unknown to me and I haven't eaten one piece of chicken that wasn't frozen and shaped like a star. Whatever. I just know that my body isn't loving its current state. I'm tired all of the time, I crave sugar nonstop, I hate the way I look, and I haven't had nearly the energy levels I've had in recent years. Don't worry - I know that I'm not, in any sense of the words, fat or overweight. I just eat crap. There's no "sickness" in the true sense of the word; I had an MRI last October, so I know I don't have some softball-sized tumor lurking in me, I'm just - for lack of a better word - unhealthy.

So what's a skinnyfat kid to do?

I'm thinking of going on a toxic cleanse. I don't think I can handle spicy lemonade for 14 days straight like Beyonce did - while she can do whatever method works for her, I'm not trying to lose weight, I'm just trying to feel better, start craving the good foods, cut back on the caffeine, sugar and alcohol, and get the body working like it should.

Anyone ever tried one of these things? Have any advice? I have a Whole Foods, a SuperFresh, and about four farmers' markets within a half-mile of me (I'm really going to miss that about Philly!) so I know I can find the foods I'm supposed to eat. I still have a few obstacles though, and I'd love to know what I can do to combat them.

1. I take medication that has a reaction with Vitamin C, or more specifically, Ascorbic Acid. It doesn't do anything harmful, but it decreases the effectiveness of the medication, and I really need that stuff to work. So I can't really be tearing into things like citrus fruit, pineapple and the like. Not to mention I always get canker sores from them. Sorry to be dodgy about what the meds are, but I gotta keep a few things in this world off the internet.

2. I am not a huge fan of vegetables. I want to be, I really do. But I'll never be able to eat broccoli or sweet potatoes without a gag reflex. I DO like the following: asparagus, green beans, spinach, raw carrots (not cooked), lettuce (I know, no nutritional value, but it's green), tomatoes, and a couple other randoms. I like just about any fruit, but I'm not crazy about pears.

3. I can't cook. Okay, I CAN, I just don't LIKE to. And my microwave is broken. I need some way to find convenient, healthy foods, even when I'm sick to death of fresh fruit.

4. I really want to eat organically, local and CHEAP. My grandmother has had health problems most of my life that she often attributes to things like artificial flavors/colorings, pesticides and other toxic things in food, and I don't want to end up having to be super-careful and hermit-like as she's been forced to do in recent years. I already encounter toxic chemicals with painting that are literally banned in several states - I'm not taking any more chances. As for the "eating local" part, I just kind of want to do it because I think it's the right thing to do. It saves fuel (transporting tomatoes from Chile in January consumes a lot of fuel) and over time in the aggregate, it reduces farmers' dependence on subsidies as well as lowers the cost of food.

5. While I'm on the "better for the world" trip, I'd like to eat meat-free every once in a while - but I don't want to miss it. I had a high school teacher tell us once about why he was a vegetarian, and it had nothing to do with animal rights. The United States produces the lion's share of the world's grain crop, and in fact, the amount of grain we produce is enough to feed the world. That's right, we could eliminate hunger. But instead of consuming a pound of grain, we feed that pound - plus thousands more - to a cow or chicken that provides us with far fewer pounds of meat. While I love meat, I don't think I absolutely need to be that selfish at every meal. I'm thinking that so much meat isn't really good for us anyway, so if you know of ways I can eat meat-free and still get my protein, holla.

6. I love coffee, sugar, fat and all that jazz. How in the WORLD can I give it up for a couple weeks without hating my life?

7. Finally, I need to know WHY it's benefitting my body. I'm not going to be one of those people that denies common sense - I mean, twinkies haven't ever killed anyone directly, but I'm smart enough to know that they're not gonna make me a dancing granny. But I think half our problem in the whole obesity epidemic has been the fact that we don't look at the science behind things we take as gospel - low-fat, low-carb, grapefruit diets are my prime examples.

Anyone have any thoughts or suggestions? Am I completely stupid for trying one of these things? Anyone done one before? Have a recommendation for a particular plan or type of cleanse? I'd love to know what to expect.

***Edit: No, I am not talking of those "colon cleanse" things you see on the internet. I poo just fine, I eat yogurt and everything. I'm talking about the whole-body thing. Actually I have no idea what I'm talking about, but I'm not talking about the cleanse where you go from the train not leaving the station to a Richter-Scale-worthy rumbling tummy.****

Smoking is a tough boyfriend to dump...

Spurred on by my list of goals to achieve in the next 1000 days, I'm tackling what might be one of the toughest tasks - quitting smoking.

I wasn't always a smoker. In the first 21 years of my life, I smoked maybe a pack and a half. I never actually bought a pack for myself until I moved to Boston - this is a little ironic, considering I grew up in tobacco country and went to school in the South, where smoking is still very much accepted. Boston even went smoke-free a few weeks before I moved there. But while doing graduate school full-time, going through the break-up of the longest relationship I've ever had and other significant stresses, I picked it up. I thought I'd never become "addicted", and to be honest, part of me still believes that I'm not. I've run the gamut for levels of indulgence in the cancer sticks - I've been a "smoker when I drink", a "closet smoker", a pack-a-day moron, a "smoker to kill the appetite" (this only works for a day or two, trust me - it no longer has an effect on my appetite), and even a "just one in the morning" smoker.

I know, it's not becoming. Trust me, I know. It ruins your skin, it causes cancer, it makes your lungs perform at record low levels, and it's just plain unattractive. I don't have to be sold on this aspect of it - I am perfectly aware of the risks to my health, my vanity and everything in between.

But I'll admit: I, as well as many other smokers, just plain LIKE to smoke. If you've never been a consistent smoker, well, good for you, but I haven't quit yet simply because I just like it. When my life sucks, and I'm about to bust out crying at anything, I can go out on the porch and escape everything for five minutes. After reading The Power of Now and realizing the importance of meditation, I've come to the conclusion that to many of us, smoking is an act of meditation. There's an unwritten "no assholes" rule on just about every smoker's porch in the world, and you can either socialize or choose to be by yourself out there. It calms you, helps you slow your breathing and blood pressure, and stabilizes emotions that have gone through the roof. A pack of Parliament Lights doesn't tell me that I'm doing things wrong, a lighter doesn't make me cry, and I don't think I've ever gotten in an honest-to-god argument with someone while smoking. Well, excluding my ex, that is.

That being said, again, I know I need to quit. I don't want to fail, so I'm trying to get a multi-pronged approach to removing that Philip Morris out of my life.

1. The patch. I think I can quit without it. But I don't want to find myself failing at the get-go because I haven't realized the full power of nicotine addiction. Cold turkey may work, but I don't want to make this too hard on myself.

2. Incentive. I'm thinking of setting up an ING account to take a dollar a day out of my checking so I can reward myself for not smoking. If I stumble, the money for that day goes to the American Cancer Society. Given the fact that I have very little money, however, I've got to figure out something else. Any ideas?

3. A built-in response to weakness. My quit date hasn't been established yet (I think I need a specific time built in stone where I just get rid of every pack laying around the house), but I'm kind of taking the weight watchers approach - I just need to recover from stumbles rather than give up on the whole goal. After my quit date, I'm giving myself ten moments of weakness. Ten. That may sound like a lot, but I'm guessing you've never been a smoker if it does. If I'm considering using one of them, I'll think long and hard as to whether or not I really want to use one of my ten.

4. Alternatives. I have to figure out something else to do when I usually smoke - when I'm walking the dog, when I'm driving, when I'm done with a meal, when I'm drinking, when I'm bored, when work is getting to me, etc. This is a lot harder than you think.

5. Figure out how to avoid the quitting-smoking weight gain. I personally don't care if I gain a few, but the reality is that I can't afford to not fit into my clothes. This is also pretty difficult - I'm allergic to chewing gum. I'm thinking about toothpicks, although I know I'll look like an even bigger redneck.

Any ideas? Anyone got an incentive they're willing to stake me to? I'll do the same for one of your goals.

A note to the Church next door:

Dear Gospel Choir:

It's 1:15 a.m. Molly is sick.

Please shut the fuck up.

Sincerely,
Baby Jesus.

It ain't easy being green with envy.

I am jealous.

Meghan's husband brought her a milkshake when she was sick.
Colonel Mustard has not brought me anything except for a sock he chewed.

This is not fair.

Procrastination Update: T-minus 36 hours or so

I tried to get a little done last night, but there was the whole is-it-the-Judd-I'm-thinking-of saga going on. And I think I'm getting sick. But here's my progress:

5. Write my assignment for the other website I write for - an essay on "I have never been more drunk than that night..."
-I'm about 3/4 of the way done. It's a little long, so editing will take some work.

7. Get my friend April a baby gift - any suggestions?
-homegirl's set. In case she reads this, I'm not posting what it is.

12. Find the $20 I got out of the ATM the other day.
-I found my receipt that has convinced me I already spent it. Darn it.

I'm sick, but I'm going to Cowboy Up.

But for now, I'm going across the street to Whole Foods to get whatever bee-pollen-mystic-hippie smoothie sludge that might help me get through this.

Anyone have any suggestions? Symptoms: my throat started feeling bad yesterday, then my lungs started hurting and now I have congestion. Doctors are for quitters.