When can you "dump" a friend?

First of all, don't worry, none of the people who read this blog are in danger of getting "dumped"!

I was catching up with a friend today that I hadn't talked to in a few years. No, she's not in danger either. Anyway, she asked me about a former friend of mine and how he was doing. I told her that I had chosen to stop talking to him a few years back, and her reply surprised me.

Her exact words?

"Wow Molly...I don't mean to upset you, but did you ever reconsider that? I know you always trust your gut and everything, but one of the things I admire about you is that you're very loyal to your friends. It just doesn't sound like you."

Wow.

I should back up and tell the story. This friend, who I won't name by name, and I had dated for a while in college. If he reads this, so be it - he probably should. Our breakup wasn't anything hairy or bad, in fact, we kept in contact for almost four years after that. He was even one of the first people to come visit me when I moved to Philadelphia. Neither of us ever wanted to get back together or anything, we were just good friends. However, when I went back to Athens, a mutual friend of ours told me something that was really disturbing - my friend had started dating a girl that had been married to one of his good friends.

I don't know the details of the story of how they started dating. Frankly, I don't really care. Even if the husband was cheating on the wife, if my friend waited until after the divorce to start dating her, whatever - the reality is that he owed more to his friend than to go after his former wife. I know, if she had been burned, she might need a friend as well and that might have been how they got together. But in my experience - and I've had a bit, coming from two divorces in my family, as well as two difficult breakups in my post-college life - even the worst cases of adultery or cheating are just symptoms of a relationship already gone down the tubes. Cheating, in my opinion, is simply a symptom of an already inherently flawed situation. People that are happy in committed relationships just don't cheat. I'm not saying that it absolves someone of it, but I think that his close friend deserved a little more than for his friend to go after his ex-wife. There's 2.5 billion potential partners on this planet - he should have picked another girl to date. Yeah, she's beautiful, I understand the temptation, I just don't think it was his place to burn his friend like that.

So. Yeah, I was surprised at him. I deleted him from my phone that night, and I was so upset about the whole matter, I called my mom the next day to ask if I had done the right thing. I may tell my mom what I'm doing, but I've never been one to ask her opinion on what I should have done. She actually agreed with me - that sometimes you have to take a stand for what you believe in, and if someone disappoints you in the way they treat their friends, you may not ever know when they may do something similar to you.

I thought about this today and realized that I still feel the same way. I don't know if they're still together, and again - frankly, I don't really care. They could have gotten married, have kids now, whatever. I hope they're happy, and I know that deep down he's either changed or he repressed some sense of integrity when he got into that situation. I don't think there's room for us to be friends again, I think that even if he came to me and said that he made a mistake and was sorry, I wouldn't feel any differently. Don't get me wrong, I've already forgiven him, but I think that he owes his friend the apology - not me. I think I had reason to "dump" this friend, simply because if one of my friends did that to me, I'd be extremely hurt. As for my friend's comment today, I know she meant well, I think she didn't really know the context of it all, but I think it still makes me a loyal friend - I just don't like giving that loyalty away when someone has been callous with that loyalty with their own friends. I'll admit - this is a bit different because he's NOT a girlfriend. If one of my girlfriends did the identical thing, I don't know what I'd do. We've all made mistakes, I know. But for the record, if any of my friends were to (God Forbid, and I've just knocked on wood) run off, leave their spouse and find another, I would be worried, first and foremost, about my friend. The spouse - they'll get support from their own friends and family. I would be concerned for my friend - if they had been going through rough times that I didn't know about, whatever - because that's my job: to be there for them when the world is not. I'm not married to the friend, after all, so they're not cheating on me. But if someone demonstrates - in a very big way - that they aren't such a good friend, then yes, it might cause me reason to reassess our own friendship.

Anyone think I did the wrong thing? Do you think that there IS a time when you can "dump" a friend - even when they haven't wronged you specifically?

Charlotte, NC: 60 hours, 3 margarita pitchers, one playdate and one REAL date.

I'm back in Virginia now after going to Charlotte for a few days, where I saw the lovely Holbrook Family. Had a great time, which I'll attempt to elaborate on here (sorry, my blackberry barely got out during the trip). I got there Sunday night, drank some wine with Meghan and chatted for a few bajillion hours, and we tried to turn in early. We went running Monday morning with her neighbor and friend, and I could not make it as far as they did, with about 200 yards left, I promptly...threw up. It happens when I run in heat - without fail. Yes, it was hot, we ran at 6:30 am and it was already at least 90 degrees in the shade. So we took the kids after breakfast and clean-up to the Air Conditioned field trip - the mall. We had lunch at Nordstrom Cafe, then went home for quiet time. Played after quiet time, played some more, ate dinner, played some more, and Matt got them bathed when he got home. At this point, we decided to fix Mollyritas and Meghanritas. With no MAJOR meltdowns (that I could detect), we clinked glasses "to bedtime"...Meghan went upstairs while they were mixing and read to and tucked in the kids. While I was downstairs cleaning up (I always feel like bedtime goes smoother with fewer out-of-routine things happening, so I let mom and dad do their thing around bedtime), I realized:

Kids are effing EXHAUSTING.

I said the same thing to both of them after they came back down: I don't know how you do it. Yes, they're great kids, are very cute, very fun to play with, very entertaining, and all that fun stuff, but seriously, you have to watch every second of everything they're doing. I knew this already - I mean really, I've babysat since I was old enough to pick a child up and our family is still bigger than Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt's little group home, so I got lots of experience - but I suddenly remembered things like the fact that you've got to pee with the door open, that naptime is just as important for Mom as it is for kids, and that there is nothing faster than a toddler going towards danger when adult backs are turned. While I was cleaning up every night, all I could think was this: it was EASIER than the normal routine - we could divide up the labor with me there helping Meghan - and they have to get up and do this AGAIN. EVERY DAY. I love kids and would love to have them, and I know that it's different when they're your own, but I'm always amazed at the world's most effective method of birth control - kids.

So Monday was all kids day, and Tuesday was looking to be the same - Caroline had a friend come over for a playdate, Meghan and the playdate-Mom and I chatted while we kept six eyes on three kids, alternating man-on-man play with a pure Zone Defense style of supervising. I got the feeling like playdates are also just as much for Mom as it is for the kids. We all had a lot of fun (pretend hot-dog party!) and the playdate left shortly before lunch. I thought we'd end up repeating the same sort of routine as Monday, but...

Molly got a dose of the single life again.

Meghan had said over the past year or so that she wanted to set me up with Matt's friend from college, and we had sort of "met" over facebook already. He called Meghan's house and came by right before quiet time, and he and I went out to lunch. Had some Mexican food, chatted, checked on his car that was in the shop (he had a rental) and he dropped me back off at the Holbrooks' a few hours later. We made some plans to do something later that night, and after the kids ate some chicken nuggets for dinner, he came back, picked me up, and we went out for a light dinner. A good time was had by all (well, I can't speak for him, but I had fun), and I went back to Matt and Meghan's house after we had some beers at the pub and got some sleep.

I left reeeeally early this morning to go back to Lynchburg, (I didn't want my departure to mess up their morning routine and I had no idea what traffic would be like), took the wrong turn FOUR times because of a lack of sleep (I kept driving South instead of North - Freudian slip?), turned my rental car back in, got into my mom's house and PROMPTLY passed out.

I had a great time all in all, and I'll post some pics as soon as I can locate a cord. I was really surprised at what a nice city Charlotte is, I was sort of reminded of Atlanta, ten years ago. We'll have to do it again soon, maybe the Atlanta peeps can drive three hours north and I can drive three hours south? Don't worry, Meghan, we'll go hotel rooms instead of you having to put us up.

I still have no idea how they do it...my back is still killing me from picking up a three-year-old and a surprisingly heavy one-year-old.

Off to find Advil.

Sites I end up on EVERY DAY. How did we ever exist without this?

My friend Drena asked what sites we visit most often, so here ya go. Marketers, a gift to you.

I have about a thousand other sites I visit once a week or so, but these are the heavy hitters...

1. Gmail.
Does this even count as a proper site? It's email. I think we assume that everyone checks their email. Except my mom. She gets on the computer, does the daily crossword, and forgets to check her email. WTF?

2. Facebook.
Actually, I do this more than myspace now. I've found that more people that I never friended on myspace friend me on facebook - people from middle school, people from all over.

3. Myspace.
I can't help it. And yes, I've myspace stalked just about every guy I've ever dated or made out with. And every time I've dated a guy, I've myspace-stalked every girl on their page. Shut up, you do it too.

4. AJC.com
I haven't lived in Atlanta in five years, but Boston and Philly's big journalism comes in papers that are read by people all over the world (the Globe and the Inquirer, respectively), kinda like a mini-New York Times. Like New York, you can get the Cliffs Notes version that's written for absolutely retarded people (the "commuter paper") through the Herald or the Daily News. Both city papers are usually owned by the same media company, and share staff and a website, which caters to the "smarter" paper. As a result, the websites are very news-driven and have very little fun stuff. The AJC is - sorry y'all - written at a lower reading level and has more fun and interesting stories. I'm sorry, I don't mean to imply that Atlanta readers are dumb, but since the Journal and Constitution merged into one daily paper, it's just got a weird hybrid of what they pick to run. They don't care that food tends to be the lead picture on every website opening page or that whole proper grammar and punctuation thing. Henry Grady may be rolling over in his grave and may want to snatch back my degree from his journalism school since I've just insulted his paper, but I think he'd actually agree with me upon reflection. So yes, I read the AJC's website still for little news stuff.


5. Bloomberg.com
Leftover from Graduate School. Sometimes I pick a random stock I think will do well based on their news and follow it for a couple weeks. I'm usually right, but the same as you should never trust a skinny chef, never trust a broke-ass artist for financial advice.

6. CNN.com
Less often than I used to. When I dated a guy who got deployed I finally had to get my friend to password protect it and block it on the TV. You'll drive yourself nuts if you're worried about someone.

7. Craigslist.com - Missed Connections.
Check them for your city and you'll start doing it every day. You'll learn some interesting things...things like the fact that there's about 10 billion people who are in love with a redhead clerk at the Whole Foods near me, there's a pervert on UPenn's campus, and hipsters all swear they don't read CL, but they do. Come to think of it, you'll learn a lot if you peruse ALL of your city's Craig's List for 45 min or so. Be sure to hit "best of Craig's List".

8. What Would Tyler Durden Do?, The Superficial, Go Fug Yourself, Project Rungay, Perez Hilton, etc...
I'm trying to wean myself of these. But sometimes I love me some celebrity gossip.

9. Wet Canvas.
It's mostly a forum for artists, leans toward the hobbyist side of it. I'm getting tired of it, actually, I'm probably taking it off my tabs.

10. RSS reader
Pulls the new stuff from lots of different blogs I enjoy into one source. When I've read it, it deletes it unless I ask it to save it. It really helps to cut down on time spent surfing.

11. Finally, my friends' stuff.

Help bring April's cat to the states...

My friend April moved back home from New Zealand and is all lonely without her kitty cat...she's having her first baby in June and is currently trying to raise $2,000 to get her cat shipped here - yes, it costs that much, mostly because of quarantine laws, I suppose.

Click on this link to chip in to bring her back. You can pay via a secure paypal transaction, and though it's not tax deductible, it will give you warm fuzzies all day. Even $5 can help, and you can read all the cute reasons why Nala needs to become a world traveler.